Okay, so I really felt like sharing this.  I didn't write it, Patrick did, back in August.  But I reread it today, and felt that SOMEBODY else needs to read it.  Don't let him know I've shared it with you, kay?  He might be unhappy if he found out.


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I think I may attempt to entrap into words just a fraction of the essence of my love for you. The method is flawed, and the medium lacks even the capability to truly carry the message that I wish to send, but this is my attempt.
 
I am war. Through my being, scourging even the very deepest sanctuary to which I lay claim within my tattered soul, burn the blazing pyres of war. Long since has the land been purged of all life. The wind blows not, and the solace and renewal of rain will never come. Barren and desolate. Rest does not come, and neither does serenity. The drums of the eternal charge echo through the halls of the cathedral that is my heart, and I have long since sacrificed the solace of this chamber to gain the strength that exists in the truth that I retreat not. I hide not. I surrender not. Surrender does not exist here, also thrown into the cataclysm to fuel the forge by which I constantly temper the blade I weild. A scythe, crafted of the darkest determination, keened by resolution, and imbued by the malice that rages in my eyes toward all that I fight. My sole weapon, also my greatest burden, as it gleams as shining proof of my resistance.
 
An army marches within me. This army is not me, for I am only one. And I am war. But this army marches. It tries to conquer, and it advances eternally. It marches from the North, from the West, from the East, from the South. It exists not of hundreds, nor thousands, nor millions. Eternal, without beginning or end. Deception, Distrust, Hatred, Greed, Lust, Dominion, and so many more are among their ranks. Greatest among them Fear, Deception and Lust. All wish to lay claim to the cathedral which, like an angel or a paladin of God, I defend with all that I am. They wish to taint the paths of that sacred place with their footsteps, as they write upon it's walls the blasphemous laws by which they would have me abide. Dominance over me is their wish. My enslavement their delight. This I will never allow, and to them I'll never bow.
 
Such an army though, eternal and undying, none could ever defeat. So the conflict wages forever, disturbed and unbalanced by my very resistance, when so many seem to merely succumb to these False lords. I stand at the threshold at constant vigil, but I am never lost, by virtue of the immortality granted me by my unwillingness to relinquish my blade. Any soul that fights, is a soul that can never be defeated. As indestructable as a soul may be, however, it is not invulnerable. Though their blades tear not my flesh, the pain rips through me as though the blow were mortal. Surely it is to this pain that all eventually succumb, for it is beyond me to believe that none resist.
 
As this pain rips through me, ferocity wells. My feet grow faster, my aim keener, and my blade sharper as malice and Rage overtake me. And I name myself Rage. I am war, and I am Rage. But neither war, nor Rage is sustanence. And neither of them is rest. And neither of them is purpose. Without purpose my war once waged. Blindly I once fought. Knowing only that I fought, and that I surrender not. Such was my way, fighting for nothing more than to not surrender. Eternally, but not untiringly. Immortal, but wounded, and wracked with pain. Constanly the weaker parts of my being begged for my end, for with it would come the end of pain. And with no purpose, no reason behind my madness to appease them, I was left to hear their pleading voices. But on I fought, a constant battle against the host that the very world seems to command and support. And my legs grew slow, and my scythe heavy, and my arms sore. And the battle changed. Instead of ugly beasts, the enemy came to grow more beautiful, and their charm seemed to grow, and their voices become soothing and tempting. And the enemy became more yet than this unending seige.
 
As it seemed like the battle was lost, however, as it finally began to feel as though my knee would fall in acceptance of thier rule, something surged within me. So deep within me that it seemed at first it was merely the faintest wish lingering within me for resistance. But then again it surged, and again, each pulse seeming strengthened, boldened by its predecessor. And so hotly it burned. Searing and defiant it beckoned me to my feet. So weakened as I was by the eternity of this conflict, I stood not. I continued falling, welcoming the end. But my surrender was not to be.
 
Again the pulse surged through my being, and I named it. In fact, it bore two names, though I could only comprehend the first at this point. I named it purpose, for that is what it was. And as my eyes met yours, as we turned slowly, swaying to the music that was barely reaching my ears at all, and not truly even being heard, purpose infected my blood, coated my skin, and permeated the air of that horrid battlefield. And as I drew breath, as my heart pounded, purpose filled my lungs and coursed through my veins. And as your arms touched my neck, as they had before, the purpose that had covered me entirely turned to tongues of flame as though I was tinder and you a spark. My wounds closed with the licking of the flames, and though they were still honed upon my flesh, it was as though the blades of my daemons could not find their target, completely lost in the flames. And as I stood, impervious, I truly saw you. Peering from the deepest reaches of my soul straight into your eyes, I was sure. I spoke the truth, for no words were ever truer, and as it was echoed back, "I like you a lot, too." it was not those words that I heard within my soul. As I stood pondering again the battle that I had all but forsaken, your voice spoke something different. "Keep fighting," I heard, "for if you surrender, you have lost me."
 
Purpose, pure and burning, and later I learned that it's second, stronger name was Love, consumed me. And on I fight. Forever. Whether I lose you, whether the world rends you from me, whatever is to come, I'll never again forget why I fight. I fight for Love, and I fight for Truth. For as I looked upon you then, I knew Truth for the first time. The Truth was that *I* desired you. And if I had EVER surrendered, I could never have trusted that Truth. *I* desired you, not my daemons, not these wretched beings that swarmed within me, ever trying to conquer. Uncaring, malicious, and greedy, I knew that if they had been in control they would have twisted my desire. I knew that I desired your protection, while they desired nothing more than exploitation. And as I looked upon them, cowering before my renewed defiance, I knew, that the things they offered could never begin to compare to what I had gained. And as the sound of your voice continued to echo through me, I lifted my scythe and laughed. The utter darkness of my lust for their blood shined in my eyes.
 
Human, and therefore imperfect, I have made mistakes, even after gaining this purpose. One mistake in particular, that I wish so strongly that it were possible for me to undo. But though I am still lacking perfection, on I fight. I fight for us, and nothing is a greater blow than knowing that you are in pain. I will protect you until my breath ceases. I will never hurt you again, and neither shall anything that I can prevent.

List 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.
*Don't say who they pertain to.
*Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.
*Never discuss it again.

1. You can be really cool if you want to. You really can be. I just wish that you would want to. Sometimes you're the biggest jerk in the world, but at other times, you are one of the coolest people I know. I don't get it. But I still love you, even if it doesn't show at times.

2. I wish you would stop talking about that. It really depresses me. And no, I can't get it, but I would like to. So if you could, stop mentioning it.

3. You don't know it, but you've helped me through one of the hardest times in my life. And I wasn't even talking to you then. But in a way, you were the major reason that... things happened. And I miss you.

4. I really like you. A lot.

5. Took you long enough. Seriously. It's about time. I was getting worried.

6. I want to punch you in the face. Hard. Just leave me alone!!

7. I havn't talked to you in forever! I miss you! How is life-ness going?

8. You are teh master of the MT fanart. I lurve your stuff!!!!!

9. I did hate when you went on about it. But it hurts more now that you're happy and I'm not, even though it's not you fault. I just want to be happy. And apparently I can't be right now.

10. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. And neither do you apparently. Just saying.

11. Does it make me a bad person for what I've thought about you? It's not that I want you hurt, it's that I don't want me hurt.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

In other news, I've gone compleatly insane.

On Saturday, we're having Sarah's party at my house. Oh god, I'm gonna die before then. And I have several other things happening right now.

Took the PLAN test today. Wasn't that bad, accept for the evil math section. Which wasn't as bad as it was in 7th grade, but it was still bad. The only section I ran out of time on too.

Erm... typing random things for... well, you know who you are. Just saying- there isn't much to type about that you havn't heard me say before.

Love y'all,

~molls

Oh, and I lurve my new Miho icon, BTW. I colored it too ^^!!

'Oh god, here I go again'

--I took this directly from a different account on a different website. Absolutly nothing was changed, so it is how I origianly typed it. And god, it felt good to type it all out. I love all of you. ~m--

Did you ever notice that I only post here so that a certain person (not just one person, but whoever I'm writing about) doesn't see it?

Well, this is my seceret journal, for all the world to see if they really care about it that much, neh?

So I finaly asked Ashley for Jon's AIM name. And I told her why.

I'm not in love with Jon. Nor do I like him like that, in any way, any more at least. But... after we 'broke up,' we didn't just stop talking to eachother. We stayed friends. And good ones at that. For a year, almost. But then... he randomly stopped talking to me. Just like that. I was so confused. But then, I found out that he was dating Ashley. I don't know if this has anything, whatsoever, to do with why he stopped talking to me. But... I still miss him. I really do. I just want to know if he hates me or what. And why he stopped talking to me.

God, I feel so stupid. Did I just immanigne things? No! I have a note from eigth grade during english class. We were having a conversation about how to spell JK Rowling's name (me= loser and bad speller, I know), and then we just started talking about other stuff. So I know that I didn't just immanigne all of that happening. I know I didn't. So why did he stop talking to me? I really want to know!!!

And then... at Mel's party. I dunno what I thought might happen. But the thing is, absoultly nothing happened. I think he said all of four words to me. If that. Oh god. I just want to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But
I
Don't
want
to
have
to
ask
him
to
find
out.

I just want to know.

So I have his AIM name.

I can talk to him if I want to.

But the question is:

Do I want to?

If then:

If so, how would I start a conversation?

I really don't know.

But I've decided that I am going to post this on LJ too.
It's time to let everybody know what I'm thinking.
Even if they ridicule or criticize me for it.
They're my friends.
So we go.

'Hobey-ho, let's go'
--Spader

(God I love those books)

~molls

I almost want to be back at school. I'm just so tired of my family and everything. Plus the fact that I've been bored out of my mind for the past two months. I just need somthing to do! I'm tired of playing Fire Emblem and CGing and reading. That's the only thing I've really done this summer. Blah.
School starts on the 22nd. We get out the 18th of May ^_^
I wish it were tommrow.

Molly was boooored today, so she decided to finally post some pictures! I'm gonna see if I can find some of our house too, so you guys can see it. (You guys really need to come out here)

  

^ me in my room. And yes, I am wearing my DARE shirt from fifth grade. xD Because it still fits.



  

^ Just me, in the computer room



  

^ My hair, dyed


I'm going on vacation tommrow. With my cousins!!! YAAAY! But I still wish they would have been able to come to Texas with us though... but this weekend'll be fun.

the front of our house if finally almost done! Dad put in a pond (we're gonna fill it with fish from the lake), and this pretty flagstone, and red mulch. It looks really cool!
I gotta run now, talk to y'all later.
~m

I dyed my hair.  It's now a pretty gold-ish color... that's all....